Tales of a Thankful Mom

" It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone." -C. S. Lewis           This is my favorite quote by C. S. Lewis. I was reading Mere Christianity about a year ago, and these words leaped off the page and made an imprint on my mind and heart.  As some of you may know, I am a single mom. My children's father has parenting time during school vacations. On these vacations he takes them to theme parks, lets them stay up as late as they want and basically is a very fun Dad. I sometimes wish that I could be the fun "theme park parent." I am the parent that needs to enforce bed times, helps them with homework and reminds them to be kind to each other. I can't afford to take them to a theme park. C. S. Lewis' words remind me that when I am comparing myself to my ex-husband, I have lost focus on what really is important. Co-parenting is not a competition. My pride is not h...

          I sometimes feel guilty for the way that my decisions impact others. I play the "what if" game and wish that I could make life better or easier for my family, specifically my children or my parents. My choices have cost both my parents and my children. My parents gave up their empty nester life to provide a home for my children and me. My children had to move from the only home that they ever knew to a different state in part because of choices I made. I realize that I was not the only one involved in the decision that created this situation. It still makes me feel hesitant to make decisions at times. I do not want to cause anyone I love anymore pain.Avoiding decisions is not the answer. I have learned that I can not live my life in limbo. I need to count the cost of my decisions especially the important ones, but then, I need to pray and then do the next right thing in love.

          I am not very comfortable with unknowns. I like to have a plan. I don't like winging it. I crave predictably. I love it when all the pieces of my life fit together as I believe they should. Whether or not I like the unknowns in life, there is a purpose in the unknowns. The unknowns teach me to trust God. They teach me to surrender my plans to my All-knowing Father. May I put my trust in God, no matter what unknowns I am facing.

          I have felt unsettled in some shape or form for a long time. I did not feel at home in my home when I was married because the situation was toxic. I was always waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop. Then, I would have to deal with the fallout and clean up the mess. And even though I have been a single mom for almost two years, I still deal with feelings of being unsettled. These feelings probably come from merging my household with my parents. Six people in one house can feel a little crowded at times. Also, a part of me still wishes that my story was different. I am learning though that I do have a choice on how settled I feel. I can chose to focus on my circumstances, or I can chose to focus on God. I can chose to focus on the imperfections of life, or I can turn my eyes on the One who is Perfect. Lord, please help me to stop focusing on all that I wish were different, and instead be thankful for the many blessings in my l...

          My daughter is in her last year of elementary school. This school year is going by so quickly already. I can hardly believe it is already November. In September, I remember listening to the coverage of the 9/11 anniversary. The messages that people left their loved ones shortly before they died always make me feel pensive. What if I lived like any moment could be my last? How would I treat my loved ones? Would I be more loving? Would I live differently? I will close this post with a Tim McGraw song.

          As I wrap up this 31 days series, I want to discuss one of the benefits of living honestly with God and others. There is freedom in honesty. You are free to be yourself, without worrying about wearing a mask or hiding anything. In this freedom, there is gratitude and joy. When one's story is out in the open, then you don't have to worry about any questions anyone may have. You don't have to have a cover story. I want to live out my life's story openly and honestly. After all, it is not just my story, it is God's story. My children and I faced some hard times in the first eight years of my eldest daughter's life. I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to step boldly into the future with my children knowing that God is with us each step of the way no matter what the future holds."I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand!"

          On this journey to healing, I have found that one of the hardest things to be honest about is what is going on in my head and my heart. For instance, I have mentioned earlier in this series that February 11th will probably never be a fun day for me. To my parents and other loved ones it just another day. I need to tell my parents that today is February 11th, and explain that I am having a rough day. Song lyrics can also trigger me. There are several popular songs that describe domestic violence, which overall it is good that the topic is being addressed. These songs still describe fictional scenes that touch much to close to home for comfort. It is okay to switch the radio station if the song is triggering a painful memory. When I was living in the abusive marriage, I could not watch crime shows that dealt with domestic violence. It would elicit a fear response in me.  It is okay to change the channel or turn off the TV. The most important step in...